Microsoft’s new upgrade suite, Humanity, 2.1 is – let’s cut to the chase – a stunning improvement over Humanity 2.0. The countless bugs that made enhanced humanity such a pain to deal with, and caused several world wars in the process, have been eliminated. Bill Gates’ brain, speaking from an exile tank in Argentina, famously admitted that making ruthless ambition a part of the core package was a mistake. Indeed. A world of five billion Napoleons and almost no followers is not conducive to a harmonious society. Now, with the compulsive drive to power an optional add-on, it is literally possible for the average user to slow down and smell the roses.

Those aspects of Humanity 2.0 which made it so popular have been retained, and in many cases enhanced. The Sexual Prowess package is a good example. It is still possible to walk about on the street, go to museums, and even put in a full day’s work while having a eight-hour orgasm by simply willing it. The enhancement, however, adds the ability to keep a straight face while doing so. The sexual attraction to salads, restauranteurs will be pleased to learn, has been eliminated.

Everything has been improved! The mathematics functions which drove so many into a catatonic contemplation of transfinite numbers, can now simply be switched off when not in use. The senses are now tunable, rather than perpetually set on maximum. If you are one of those who is afraid of insects, the freedom from having to listen to the scurryings of every creepy-crawly in a one-mile radius will justify the upgrade all by itself.

Humanity 2.1 is, in short, a triumph. It renders our complex modern world almost livable. I don’t think I’m going out on a limb here when I predict that within the year Humanity 2.0 will be as extinct as Humanity 1.0 – you remember, the original, unenhanced model.

The monthly licensing fee of $29.95 is just the price of being human.